I gotta be honest. Writing this blog feels like a sham. It feels like I am scooping out some shit from the back of my brain, and leaving it here for all of you (all five of you) to sift through. I am writing this blog tonight after laying on the floor and staring up at the ceiling, then promptly getting up and going to shave because the whole laying on the floor staring at the ceiling thing was a little too intense.
My mom jokingly said to me that most of my posts on Nick Writes tend to be about, well, not writing. And that was MONTHS ago! I’m still writing about starting points and excuses. That’s why this whole thing feels like a sham. I’ve barely done one lick of creative writing outside of paid work since starting this blog (and believe me, the paid work is no excuse; I’ve got plenty of time to myself).
If anything, my anxiety has gotten worse. I tamp it down for a day or two, but then it comes bubbling back up like a tsunami. And even if I get some inertia going with sleeping, eating, and exercising, I never fucking write. Like, never. The fact that this blog goes up every week is some sort of damn miracle. It’s actually why I’m writing tonight. I’ve already excused myself from having these things up on Tuesday. But as soon as I let myself skip a week? Pssshhht, we’re done here. I’m done here. Once I’ve broken that particular seal, I’ll keep skipping weeks.
And I’m at that point now where I’d like to just quit everything. This blog. Exercise. Eating better. All of my initiatives. This urge to quit is a well-worn point in my cycle, and I usually give in. A lot of times, I’ll wind up not starting things again because I know I’ll quit them again. Tonight, the reverse is true—I’m not quitting because I know I’ll just want to start up in a few weeks and I’ll feel like a dick. Don’t wanna Brett Favre this thing. (Ha! Got a sports reference in here. Had to Google it, but still.)
But the truth is, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels with this blog, because I’m not doing any writing. And I want to quit because I’ve allowed this blog to become something that stresses me out, which is, quite frankly, ridiculous. I made the damn thing. I dread the blog because I have nothing to say about actual writing. And that’s embarrassing. It’s what happened when I wrote short stories for fifteen minutes a day. They went from being something I genuinely enjoyed doing to something I dreaded. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere with my writing, and ended up writing the stories only to say to myself that I did. So I quit.
Because I’m already rambling (and, as we’ve established, there are 5 of you—and it’s your own damn fault for reading this far), I’m going to shoot off on a tangent for a second.
Here are two webcomics:
Questionable Content: http://questionablecontent.net/
Dumbing of Age: http://www.dumbingofage.com/
Both are excellent. I suggest clicking “random” repeatedly to jump around and get a feel for the stories and the characters. But the fact that those comics exist isn’t the point here. It’s how their creators go about making them. Questionable Content has been going since 2003, and updates Monday through Friday. Dumbing of Age has been going since 2010, but the creator has been making webcomics for far longer.
The creator of Questionable Content, for the most part, draws each comic the day it goes up. So every day, he’s got the stress of an impending deadline bearing down on him. The Dumbing of Age creator, on the other hand, has a three month buffer. Three months. We know two things: One, he works his fucking ass off. That’s nearly 100 comics. And two, he does not have a looming deadline ready to frikazee his brain every morning. Now, maybe he’s super hard on himself about getting work done and is the most stressed person on earth. I have no idea. But I do know that he’s ahead of the curve. And I also know that I am terrified of being the Questionable Content guy.
Now, I do not, by any means, mean to insult the guy. He’s got 3018 comics up and more than a decade of continuous work under his belt. He is a productive, dedicated guy. And I love Questionable Content. But I can’t imagine that immediacy every single day. I want to move past this looming deadline garbage. Why? Because it makes me stressed. And while it may allow for good writing, it doesn’t allow for my best writing. That gets old quick.
All of this is to say: This is a tough week. And this blog is far, far from where I want it to be. I also want to put down, at least as a record for myself, that despite my nearly overwhelming urge to quit, I didn’t this week.
This was a long post. Next week there will be a storyline spotlight. About a comic book.
With lots of pictures.